Why do I love you?

"When I say 'I love you', it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And, finally, I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are one hell of a man...and that's why I love you."

<3

Hurt, Forgiveness and Happiness

I've spent my time without you learning to find myself. I've become a stronger, independant, beautiful person. But I suppose she's always been inside me. For so long, I just hid her behind your strong hands, the perfect kisses of an imperfect relationship...I needed the pain you gave me to find myself. Now that you're taking 30 steps backward, I can honestly say I forgive you...but you'll never receive my sympathy. You wanted to be trapped in your dream world and threw me under the bus in every possible way. You called me a liar, spread false rumors, broken my heart and my spirit, tore me down, even hit me. I forgive you for all that and I refuse to dwell on that. But for the past year, while you've been happy, showing off what turned out to be a perfect facade, I've been burning inside. It burned to know how happy you are when I was still broken. I spent nights crying because it just felt unfair and I didn't know why. Now, I'm happy. Happier than you ever made me or could make me. Now, you're falling apart. Your life isnt so secure and wonderful anymore. Now, it's your turn to hurt...and this time, I'm not kissing your wounds better.

Here's To Happiness!

ten things that make me TERRIBLY happy

1. Random inspirational thoughts like the one above(which I found amidst many other sayings at Graffiti Falls)
2. Chapstick. Lots and lots of chapstick.
3. Flirty texting that makes you smile without realising it.
4. Floating in an outdoor pool with the sun beaming on your face.
5. Going on long hikes or walks and turning around to look at what you accomplished.
6. Texting your friends words of encouragment just to brighten their day.
7. Courteous drivers. Just saying.
8. Curling my hair and having it come out PERFECTLY.
9. Starbucks Passion Ice Tea Lemonade.
10. Taking pictures and being able to show others how beautiful the world is to me.


<3

Stronger

Lately, I've been learning a few things...
Most importantly, I've learned that in order to receive love, one must give love.
I won't kid myself and say that I've been giving love, because I haven't. I have been shutting myself out from it longer than I can even remember. I don't remember what it's like to feel that strong sense of love and feeling of belonging. I've built up my walls so high that I can't figure out how to take them down. So trying to open up to new friendships or new relationships is becoming harder and harder for me.
I am absolutely terrified of being hurt.
Unfortunately, I've had way too many instances of people walking out of my life, stabbing me in the back or just even not being there for me when I needed someone..or anyone. So, naturally, one would want to shut themselves out like I have. I've locked myself away and have spent so much time hiding from my heart.
Tonight, I'm deciding that I am done.
Not everyone will hurt me.
Hurt and pain is a part of life, and only makes me stronger.
Shutting out the ones I love is not the way to receive the love and support I need.
I. Am. Done.

I really really hate...

people who make plans with you.
Then blow them off, don't show up and don't answer their phone.

In other news, the weather is beautiful.

Musings on love...

I've just had a really rough day today.
What makes it harder is spending the night alone too.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm quite jealous of everyone who has someone to hold on to on days like this. Someone who listens and understands, who comforts and caresses, who is your reality check and your fairy tale.

Is it fair, that while I lay in bed and my mind swirls, that someone I used to love is in bed with his wife, after kissing his baby girl goodnight and tucking her in? Or that someone I currently love is a block away, but is too scared to take a chance because someone broke his heart?

Maybe fairytales aren't real, and we don't always find our romantic love. I mean, in all honesty, how many people go through their ENTIRE lives heartbroken....it just doesn't seem realistic anymore. And yet, here I am, not ready to walk away from anyone or anything...because I hold a deep burning hope that someday, it'll make me happy?

I really need a sign..or some strength to get me through today.