I wish I would have hit you harder...

Dear ___________________,
It truly breaks my heart to know that someone who used to be my best friend could say such horrid things about me. I feel like you're insecure and lost, so you feel the need to attack me and my character to everyone around. I don't understand what I did to you or why exactly we stopped talking, but whatever it is, I'm sure it isn't enough to deserve what you're doing to me.

You've always tried to bring me down, whether consciously or not. You've called me fat, retarded, stupid, and put me down in many other ways. You've used me plenty times and never have I turned on you for it. I've always felt physically and emotionally attacked by you.

You listen to people talk without asking me anything. You of all people should know how rumors ruin people...and yet, here you are, no different than the rest of them. You listen to a liar, who you know well wants my life to be hell-ish. You listen to someone who has absolutely NO right to pass judgement on anyone else. That same someone ruined your life and dropped you into my arms, bawling like a baby, dead drunk on more than one occasion. And where was I? Taking care of you, picking you back up, making sure you were all better and if you weren't, I never left your side.

You have become a ghost. It's too hard for me to call you names, even though I should. It's too much to put you on blast, even though you deserve it. I WILL NOT LOWER MYSELF TO YOUR SAD STANDARDS. I hope that this is what you wanted for your life. Don't come to me later when you fall on your face.

R.I.P. ...written on your forehead.
You're dead to me.

Lesson Learned

This past month has been completely rough for me.
Everything that I've wanted to go right has switched around into something terrible.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like God gave me this month just to push me.


I've done a lot more reading of my Bible lately, especially the scenes leading up to Jesus' crucifixion. I feel like I can relate a lot more, of course in a more tame way, but the same feelings.
In the last 40 days, I have...
-felt true betrayal
-been judged
-been hurt
-tried to do good and it was turned on me
-felt sacrifice
-turned the other cheek to those who have treated me badly
etc,etc.

....Finally, I'm starting to understand his journey.
And frankly, I've been falling so far away from God lately.
I've felt like "well, he hasn't made this happen or stopped this from happening so...he must not be hearing me, understanding me, or maybe he has just given up on me."
But Easter is about forgiveness, redemption, His rising from the dead for MY sins.
That kind of love is so great, it's just indescribable.
He's been my entire reason to keep pushing on, to see the beauty in the blossoming tulips and lilies, to feel the crisp spring breeze on my skin...
..To be strong enough to not lash out, not post nasty things on Facebook because I've been betrayed, to not point out others mistakes/flaws...
..To learn to respect myself, to feel beautiful without any kind of trade-offs, to appreciate everything and everyone in my life..

Dear God,
I finally understand...




Thank you.



Happy Easter, everyone...hope it's a blessed one <3

Prom Dress Shopping & Zumba!

So I've been doing EXTREMELY well on this crazy challenge of mine. I know I haven't blogged anything, my internet has been down :( But either way, I'm 6 pounds down in 2 weeks. Pretty awesome! I felt really great the other day because I went prom dress shopping and EVERYONE knows that those dresses run small, so paying attention to the number was not my cup of tea. But I found a beautiful, slinky, grecian-style prom gown and tried it on in an extra-large, thinking that would fit fine. To my absolute delight, I had to go down to a medium and it's still needing to be tailored. I feel great, fabulous and am working so hard. Tonight, I'm going to a free Zumba class with my lovely friend, Anna! Speaking of Zumba, if you haven't tried it yet, DO IT. It has been my best friend lately, haha. Zumba is exercise (cardio) mixed with latin and hip-hop moves and music. It's a total blast. So between the Zumba Club at school on Thursdays and finding free classes on other days, you start to shed pounds and tone up really fast. Some of the routines are actually so easy that you can do an "ExpressZumba - 15 minute class" on your own at home! The music is really easy to find and it's just an overall fun way to get fit. Try it! (: