Time for a New Me

This is about to get quite ridiculous...

(Please keep in mind the amount of courage it is taking for me to blog, post and share the following info is through the roof and, while I'm quite confident in who I am, I am not happy.)

For a long while, I've been living extremely unhealthy. I am a freshman in college and this is the time everyone dreads the "Freshman 15" or a rapid weight gain. Frankly, high school has done enough damage on me already - I refuse to let myself get hit by college too.

........This is taking a ton of courage and my stomach feels like it's doing flips, but I need this. It's time for me to realize exactly what I have been doing to my body the past five years and I need to stop it now. I say that I'm going to diet "tomorrow" just about every day and that I'll start an exercise plan "tomorrow". Too bad "tomorrow" never seems to come around. I need the motivation and I need to be held accountable for myself and my health. So why not use people who read my blog?

When I started high school, I had been playing volleyball and soccer for years and had been participating in cheerleading. That kept me looking pretty fit and healthy. But after a couple of knee injuries and having to stop sports to focus on school, my health went downhill and my weight went up. My freshman year of high school, I weighed 120lbs. I was 5 foot 3 and was extremely healthy. But in the last 3.5 years, I have torn myself apart. Granted, I've gone through a lot of emotional things which have had an effect, but I have let myself go.


Here I am, 5 foot 8, size 11 jeans, scale tipping at 183lbs....and something has got to change.


So, ladies and gents, say goodbye to the unhealthy, overweight, unhappy Chelsea. She's leaving and will not be back anytime soon. I'm going to start blogging my progress and exactly how I'm doing what I'm doing to lose weight. Any tips and support ya'll can send my way would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, guys <3


P.S. If you're wondering where I got this insane amount of inspiration, check out Taralynn McNitt's journey at http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/

Things I'm Loving Right Now...

(this tattoo and the idea of infinite love)

Cuddles with my Favorite Guy <3
The "Liquid Caramel Apple" Drink
Pumpkins
The Colors of the Leaves
The Fact that Leaves are Still Falling...and Landing on Snow
Elaborate Makeup for Halloween
My Boys <3 (Bradley, Joshua and Coleby)
Smiles and Laughter
Scarves and Petticoats
Cinnamon Sugar Apples
The DELICIOUS Blueberry Pancake Cupcakes with Maple Buttercream I made
My New Red Chucks
Hairbows

...I think that's it for now.
It's Friday and this weekend is about to be CRAZY!

Happy Weekend! <3

Ten People

So..it's 11:39pm. And I'm wiiiiide awake. Movies aren't cutting it for me. I already did all of my homework for next week....blah.
Something that I am realizing though, is that part of the rest I am so restless is because I all too often bite my tongue.
(If you know me, you're probably laughing quite vigorously right now - with as much as I talk, there is a lot more that I hold in.)
I remember back in the Myspace days (R.I.P.) that one bulletin/blog chain was called "Ten People" and you would number your page one to ten, then write a paragraph/sentence/exclamation, etc. to someone without using their names. It was really interesting and is a great way to get out the "things-you-wish-you-could-have-said". So, in true nostolgic fashion, I'm bringing it back and hoping that letting some emotion out will let me sleep. Here we go!

1. I don't understand what I've done to deserve the way you treat me. I have had the wonderful grades, the awesome resume, I've accomplished above-and-beyond in almost every aspect of my life. So why the cold shoulder? Why do I not deserve the time nor the care that you put into other people? It doesn't make sense to me and, on more than one occasion, I find myself crying about it. And I don't cry.

2. You. I finally tried to "grow some lady-balls" and tell you how I feel. Unfortunately, you're not on the same page. Other girls are good enough to waste your time on, but when it comes to me, you 'value our friendship too much'. Frankly, I thought you would have changed with everything that has happened in the last few months. But, either I was incredibly wrong, or you've grown accustomed to wearing your "hardcore-handsome-player-that-doesn't-have-feelings" mask again. Take it off. Please.

3. I wish you would just give me a straight, direct answer. I don't know where to go from here with you and I'm tired of hanging in the balance.

4. From what I can tell, we can apparently act like adults around eachother. I'm glad our time apart has made us mature and now I just hope that this is the first step to rekindling what used to be an amazing companionship.

5. Sweetheart, stop wasting your time trying to find someone to sleep with and work on finding someone worth waking up to. You'll be better off in the long run.

6. As much as I act like it doesn't bother me, I really do miss you and our amazing memories. I know I messed up just as much as you did, but there are so many things I wish I could take back. You were a great friend.

7. He's using you. And the next girl. You're an absolute doll and deserve so much better. I've been in your position, but I wish you would just run. Girl-to-girl, you don't need this.

8. Please stop drinking. I've seen what it can do in the long run and you are too good of a friend to be so terrible this early. I worry about you constantly.

9. I love your heart and I am envious of your spirit. You are so constantly happy and have the most optimistic outlook. I would kill to be as wonderful a person as you are.

10. Stop trying to put me down to make yourself feel better. For so many years, you've pushed me around and then wondered why I refused to be around you for so long. I don't see the need for it, especially when we've become so close over the years. The backhanded-compliment-insults aren't appreciated and I am better than that.

...Well, that is all. I do feel a little better. Dreamland, here I come!(hopefully)

<3

Why do I love you?

"When I say 'I love you', it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And, finally, I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are one hell of a man...and that's why I love you."

<3

Hurt, Forgiveness and Happiness

I've spent my time without you learning to find myself. I've become a stronger, independant, beautiful person. But I suppose she's always been inside me. For so long, I just hid her behind your strong hands, the perfect kisses of an imperfect relationship...I needed the pain you gave me to find myself. Now that you're taking 30 steps backward, I can honestly say I forgive you...but you'll never receive my sympathy. You wanted to be trapped in your dream world and threw me under the bus in every possible way. You called me a liar, spread false rumors, broken my heart and my spirit, tore me down, even hit me. I forgive you for all that and I refuse to dwell on that. But for the past year, while you've been happy, showing off what turned out to be a perfect facade, I've been burning inside. It burned to know how happy you are when I was still broken. I spent nights crying because it just felt unfair and I didn't know why. Now, I'm happy. Happier than you ever made me or could make me. Now, you're falling apart. Your life isnt so secure and wonderful anymore. Now, it's your turn to hurt...and this time, I'm not kissing your wounds better.

Here's To Happiness!

ten things that make me TERRIBLY happy

1. Random inspirational thoughts like the one above(which I found amidst many other sayings at Graffiti Falls)
2. Chapstick. Lots and lots of chapstick.
3. Flirty texting that makes you smile without realising it.
4. Floating in an outdoor pool with the sun beaming on your face.
5. Going on long hikes or walks and turning around to look at what you accomplished.
6. Texting your friends words of encouragment just to brighten their day.
7. Courteous drivers. Just saying.
8. Curling my hair and having it come out PERFECTLY.
9. Starbucks Passion Ice Tea Lemonade.
10. Taking pictures and being able to show others how beautiful the world is to me.


<3

Stronger

Lately, I've been learning a few things...
Most importantly, I've learned that in order to receive love, one must give love.
I won't kid myself and say that I've been giving love, because I haven't. I have been shutting myself out from it longer than I can even remember. I don't remember what it's like to feel that strong sense of love and feeling of belonging. I've built up my walls so high that I can't figure out how to take them down. So trying to open up to new friendships or new relationships is becoming harder and harder for me.
I am absolutely terrified of being hurt.
Unfortunately, I've had way too many instances of people walking out of my life, stabbing me in the back or just even not being there for me when I needed someone..or anyone. So, naturally, one would want to shut themselves out like I have. I've locked myself away and have spent so much time hiding from my heart.
Tonight, I'm deciding that I am done.
Not everyone will hurt me.
Hurt and pain is a part of life, and only makes me stronger.
Shutting out the ones I love is not the way to receive the love and support I need.
I. Am. Done.

I really really hate...

people who make plans with you.
Then blow them off, don't show up and don't answer their phone.

In other news, the weather is beautiful.

Musings on love...

I've just had a really rough day today.
What makes it harder is spending the night alone too.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm quite jealous of everyone who has someone to hold on to on days like this. Someone who listens and understands, who comforts and caresses, who is your reality check and your fairy tale.

Is it fair, that while I lay in bed and my mind swirls, that someone I used to love is in bed with his wife, after kissing his baby girl goodnight and tucking her in? Or that someone I currently love is a block away, but is too scared to take a chance because someone broke his heart?

Maybe fairytales aren't real, and we don't always find our romantic love. I mean, in all honesty, how many people go through their ENTIRE lives heartbroken....it just doesn't seem realistic anymore. And yet, here I am, not ready to walk away from anyone or anything...because I hold a deep burning hope that someday, it'll make me happy?

I really need a sign..or some strength to get me through today.

Pre-work revelations...

I've realised I'm an extremely impatient person and I love my life fast and wild. The problem? No one to keep up with me. I'm either too wild or too tame, too soft and mushy or too hard-hearted. I need room to spread my wings but I don't need you so far that you can't catch me when I fall. I need someone who knows how to make my heart race and enjoy my company but who tells me when I'm wrong or stubborn. So many things feel like they're going to work out and it never seems to end up that way. I'm realising I just need to focus on me and what's best for my life and God will bring me my prince. Dear Prince, you're taking a little too long...just saying. <3

Resolutions, Interviews and Popsicles...

So, mid-year resolution: MORE BLOGGING.
I write a ton in all my journals, even in just Microsoft Word, but I never update my blog.
I'm such a lame (:

Where to start..
COLLEGE!
I start this upcoming Monday and, while I'm excited, I'm scared to death! It's a little weird for me seeing my baby brother in high school and knowing I will never go back. But, as with all change, it needs to happen and I'm sure I will love it. I'll be in class 9-12 and 3-5 on Mondays and Wednesdays, which is a pretty awesome schedule. I'm taking Calc, Public Speaking, Philosophy and English Comp. And I found an awesome new textbook site, textbooks.com, where you can RENT your books for the semester for less than buying them used and selling them back for MAYBE 20% of what you bought them for. So for 7 books, I paid a little over $250 and feel pretty accomplished.

Also, I have the most WILD job falling into my lap. I have already made it past the phone interview and go in for my formal interview next week. If I land this job, my new title will be.....-ahem- Chelsea Walker, Child and Youth Development Program Director for Fort Carson Army Base. How awesome is that?? According to my *almost* boss, I have already beaten out about 15 grown adults and they are SUPER impressed with me. That makes me feel great.

I get my tonsils taken out next week, which should be interesting. I love popsicles...haha! But hopefully, I won't get so sick anymore and that will be WONDERFUL. I realise I type a lot in caps for emphasis...whatafreak. BUT (again, with the caps...) I lost about 10lbs this past month and have been eating a ton healthier and I feel absolutely amazing. Yay me!

This summer has been one full of change, excitement, learning experiences, love and fun. And I couldn't imagine it any other way.

<3

Late Night Doubts

Ansel Adams, one of my biggest inspirations in the photography world, once said, "A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense, and is, thereby, a true expression of what one feels about life in it's entirety."

This is the entire reason I take pictures.
I take pictures to show everyone what I see...as cliche as that may sound. My life is so atypical that my view is a tad different.
I've learned to treasure what a gift life is, that tears bring strength, and that the sun will always rise tomorrow, just maybe not as beautiful.

Lately, I've gotten really distracted from my dreams...I feel so broken down sometimes, like I'm fighting an uphill battle never to be won. I've always been the one to chase my dreams AND achieve them...and once I did that, I found a way to make my dreams bigger.

There's such a negative air to the world right now and breathing that in is really starting to affect me. I just have to find my tunnel vision towards my bright and beautiful future and stick with it.

Hopefully, it'll be easy, like taking pictures.
Just transfer my beautiful dream into something I can grasp.

I wish I would have hit you harder...

Dear ___________________,
It truly breaks my heart to know that someone who used to be my best friend could say such horrid things about me. I feel like you're insecure and lost, so you feel the need to attack me and my character to everyone around. I don't understand what I did to you or why exactly we stopped talking, but whatever it is, I'm sure it isn't enough to deserve what you're doing to me.

You've always tried to bring me down, whether consciously or not. You've called me fat, retarded, stupid, and put me down in many other ways. You've used me plenty times and never have I turned on you for it. I've always felt physically and emotionally attacked by you.

You listen to people talk without asking me anything. You of all people should know how rumors ruin people...and yet, here you are, no different than the rest of them. You listen to a liar, who you know well wants my life to be hell-ish. You listen to someone who has absolutely NO right to pass judgement on anyone else. That same someone ruined your life and dropped you into my arms, bawling like a baby, dead drunk on more than one occasion. And where was I? Taking care of you, picking you back up, making sure you were all better and if you weren't, I never left your side.

You have become a ghost. It's too hard for me to call you names, even though I should. It's too much to put you on blast, even though you deserve it. I WILL NOT LOWER MYSELF TO YOUR SAD STANDARDS. I hope that this is what you wanted for your life. Don't come to me later when you fall on your face.

R.I.P. ...written on your forehead.
You're dead to me.

Lesson Learned

This past month has been completely rough for me.
Everything that I've wanted to go right has switched around into something terrible.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like God gave me this month just to push me.


I've done a lot more reading of my Bible lately, especially the scenes leading up to Jesus' crucifixion. I feel like I can relate a lot more, of course in a more tame way, but the same feelings.
In the last 40 days, I have...
-felt true betrayal
-been judged
-been hurt
-tried to do good and it was turned on me
-felt sacrifice
-turned the other cheek to those who have treated me badly
etc,etc.

....Finally, I'm starting to understand his journey.
And frankly, I've been falling so far away from God lately.
I've felt like "well, he hasn't made this happen or stopped this from happening so...he must not be hearing me, understanding me, or maybe he has just given up on me."
But Easter is about forgiveness, redemption, His rising from the dead for MY sins.
That kind of love is so great, it's just indescribable.
He's been my entire reason to keep pushing on, to see the beauty in the blossoming tulips and lilies, to feel the crisp spring breeze on my skin...
..To be strong enough to not lash out, not post nasty things on Facebook because I've been betrayed, to not point out others mistakes/flaws...
..To learn to respect myself, to feel beautiful without any kind of trade-offs, to appreciate everything and everyone in my life..

Dear God,
I finally understand...




Thank you.



Happy Easter, everyone...hope it's a blessed one <3

Prom Dress Shopping & Zumba!

So I've been doing EXTREMELY well on this crazy challenge of mine. I know I haven't blogged anything, my internet has been down :( But either way, I'm 6 pounds down in 2 weeks. Pretty awesome! I felt really great the other day because I went prom dress shopping and EVERYONE knows that those dresses run small, so paying attention to the number was not my cup of tea. But I found a beautiful, slinky, grecian-style prom gown and tried it on in an extra-large, thinking that would fit fine. To my absolute delight, I had to go down to a medium and it's still needing to be tailored. I feel great, fabulous and am working so hard. Tonight, I'm going to a free Zumba class with my lovely friend, Anna! Speaking of Zumba, if you haven't tried it yet, DO IT. It has been my best friend lately, haha. Zumba is exercise (cardio) mixed with latin and hip-hop moves and music. It's a total blast. So between the Zumba Club at school on Thursdays and finding free classes on other days, you start to shed pounds and tone up really fast. Some of the routines are actually so easy that you can do an "ExpressZumba - 15 minute class" on your own at home! The music is really easy to find and it's just an overall fun way to get fit. Try it! (:

Challenge: Day Two (PromWorkoutCountdown)

Day Two Compliments:
1. You have a huge heart.
2. You always push yourself to make a difference.
3. As Abelita used to say, you have pretty hands (straight, narrow fingers, soft palms)...weird.
4. You have the ability to make people smile.
5. You are beautiful because God made you.

So I am EXTREMELY excited for tomorrow. My darling Anna Marie and I are going up to Denver to go prom dress shopping...which means, the prom countdown has officially begun. Prom is April 29th, today is March 21st. 39 days until Prom.

I started my challenge yesterday and did fairly well, keeping the caloric intake at a healthy level and making sure I had lots of water, fruits and veggies. This morning, I feel great. Maybe eating healthy really does help??

Also, I found an awesome Prom workout that's not crazy but seems to be a good start in the right direction. It's a 21-day program, but I'm sure I'll keep it up past that. So here we go:

Days 1, 2, 7, 12, 17, 18 and 20 (one minute break between exercises)
-Jumping jacks for two minutes.
-Running (in place or sprints) for five minutes.
-Calf raises for two minutes.
-Jumps (jump as high as you can and land on the balls of your feet so your heels don't touch the ground) for three minutes, one minute break.
-Pushups (girl-style) for two minutes.
-Butt kicks for two minutes.
-Sit ups for three minutes.

Days 3, 4, 8, 9, 14, 15 and 19 (30 second break between exercises)
-Shadowbox for three minutes.
-Jumps for three minutes.
-Pushups for one minute.
-Low squats for two minutes.
-300 jumping jacks.
-Knee-highs for three minutes.

Days 5, 6, 10, 11, 13, 16 and 21 (15 second break between exercises)
-500 Jumping jacks.
-100 pushups.
-100 squats.
-Calf raises for one minute.

Along with this, keep a healthy diet and get 30 minutes of cardio daily.

....here we go! Wish me luck...

Challenge: Day One

5 Compliements ( Have to think of a new five everyday!!)

1: You are strong

2: Your smile is contagious

3: Your hair is very pretty

4: Your eyes are like caramel

5: You are a caring person.

My "Mirror" 30-Day Challenge!

I haven't blogged in a long time...it feels great to be back (:

With all the buzz about a million different 30-day challenges, I thought why not start one? But not just a silly one about things I hate or facts about me or anything like that. I want my challenge to be exactly what it's called; a CHALLENGE.

I've been following my cousin's blog for weeks and now, she has started her version of a 30-day challenge. It's all about a green dress that she wants to wear to my graduation in May, but the dress no longer fits. It's not necessarily about weight loss or being "perfect", but about loving yourself when you look in the mirror.

So....I was definitely inspired by her and decided, why the heck not? My graduation is the perfect deadline and then the two of us can hold eachother accountable and achieve our goal.

I absolutely love my cousin, Corinne. When I was younger, she and my other two cousins Casey and Brooke HATED my guts. I was the unwanted-cousin, you could say. Now, obviously, I'm 10x less annoying and we get along really well. But what Corinne doesn't know is that since day 1, I've always looked up to her. She's beautiful, smart and she makes people laugh. She can sing, she can act, she has a great relationship with God and I've never been more proud to have such a talented cousin. She's just great (:

Anyways, so this whole challenge involves cutting out soda, sweets and fast food, while eating more healthy and simple meals. Thankfully, Sunflower Market in Colorado Springs just opened and offers a lot of fresh fruits and veggies and all kinds of organic and healthier products, with a great price that fits into my budget. How awesome is that? I also have free access to a gym and I NEVER go...that's not so awesome. So I'm going to change that, especially with my senior prom coming up. So I'm going to challenge myself to go to the gym 3 times during the school week and go for a walk/do yoga/zumba on the weekends.

Down to the most important part; I call this my mirror challenge because I heard from a friend, that if you stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself 5 good things a day instead of tearing yourself down (i.e. "I love my beautiful, long hair" vs. "I hate how big my thighs are") that your self-confidence levels go through the roof! So, why not try it? I'll write my 5 things on my mirror with a dry-erase marker everyday and post pictures and track myself on here.

If you want to read Corinne's post about her "green dress" 30-day challenge, go to http://waytorelieve.blogspot.com/. Wish me luck, guys!!

Judgement Day

Judgemental people really make me angry.



So what if someone feels the need to tattoo themselves with their boyfriend's name? It's their life.

So what if someone feels the pressure to drug themselves everyday? It's their life.

So what if someone wants to use everyone to keep themselves from being hurt? Right again, it's their life.



Telling someone what they can and cannot do is like playing God. And I've had it. There is one God in my life and he knows the difference between right and wrong but, being the good and gracious father that he is, allows me to make my mistakes. He forgives me for everything I do and still loves me just as much as he did yesterday.